Before any date, Radisha Brown would practice saying one sentence that felt like it carried the weight of the world: “I’m divorced.”
For so long, the D-word has been treated like a modern scarlet letter—a mark of shame rather than a life stage that millions of people go through each year. Pop culture representations haven’t exactly helped: Divorced women are often portrayed as tragic, bitter, and in some cases broken. So when Brown unexpectedly returned to the dating world in 2016, she braced herself for judgment—and came armed with defenses: No, she wasn’t “damaged.” She didn’t do anything “wrong.” In fact, she had done everything she could to “save” her marriage. “I was learning how to be a divorced woman in a world that doesn’t always know what to do with that title,” Brown tells SELF.
But finally, it seems that the cultural script is changing.
In September, ABC announced that The Bachelorette, a franchise historically centered on young, never-married hopefuls, would hand the spotlight to The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul—a divorced single mom of three ready for another shot at love. Even in Hollywood, A-listers like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Alba, and Katy Perry are soft-launching their post-divorce boyfriends on Instagram and being cheered on for it, showing that maybe divorce—and the fact that a woman has a right to a full and happy life afterwards—is no longer a dirty word. Finally, people are seeing it as a reality to accept and even celebrate.
‘I was learning a whole new language and set of rules just to keep up.’
Brown, 45, was a teenager when she met her former husband—which meant no apps, no DMs, and no algorithms. Jumping back into the dating world post-divorce felt foreign, she says: Suddenly every message, emoji, and tiny gesture came with unspoken rules she didn’t know.
“Honestly, I was scared,” Brown admits. “I became hyperaware of everything—my words, my body language, even how I laughed. I kept second-guessing myself and wondering if I was doing it ‘right.’” In one case, she sent what she thought was an honest and straightforward message to someone she matched with on a dating app: “I don’t think I’m your type.” She says he interpreted it differently: “He thought [I meant] I wasn’t even a woman and went off on me,” Brown recalls. “I was so confused until my friend explained there were certain ‘code words’ and lingo that I had no idea about.”
‘The heaviness was overwhelming in my early dating experiences.’
There’s a unique challenge in trying to keep things light, carefree, and flirty while still being honest about the fact that you’ve been married before. Because once you have what others might call “baggage” (though to be clear, it shouldn’t be!), even the most casual dates can carry more weight.
“I always get a little nervous when I go on first dates, not knowing how they’re going to react when I announce that I’m divorced,” Ashley Claire, 34, tells SELF. “I’ve seen the sparkle in a guy’s eyes dim. It almost feels like I’m damaged goods—like ‘Oh shit, she’s already been married before.’”
Post-split dating gets even trickier when a divorce isn’t final. For Rebecca Feinglos, 36, North Carolina’s one-year separation law meant she was stuck in an uncomfortable limbo: Legally she was still married, tied to her ex by a technicality that didn’t reflect their mutual decision to separate. “In the early days of matching and messaging on the apps, I wanted to keep things light, but I also wanted to be transparent without killing the vibe,” Feinglos tells SELF. And yet the drawn-out legal process made it hard for her to feel truly single, especially with the nagging awareness that others might judge her for “still being married,” even if it was only on paper.
“I’d send these little disclaimers like, ‘Just so you know, I’m currently getting divorced,’ and then I’d watch their typing bubbles,” she explains. “Some people unmatched immediately.”
‘I had to unlearn the fear that everyone I dated would hurt me.’
Claire’s last marriage ended suddenly: There were no obvious warning signs, no quiet buildup that gave her any hint that things would end. One moment she was happily married and the next, she was reeling from the shock of being blindsided by her husband.
She says she now struggles with trust issues: “Because when you get married, you promise forever. Even during the hard times, you’ll get through it, so for my husband to just be like, ‘I don’t want this’—that really threw me for a loop.”
Most Popular
- Sexual & Reproductive HealthEgg Freezing Worsened My Urinary Incontinence—and I’m Not AloneBy Anonymous
- HealthA Simple Dinner Timing Change Can Boost Your Well-Being This WinterBy Korin Miller
- Lung CancerThe Deadliest Cancer for Women Is Often Overlooked. Here Are the Symptoms You Should KnowBy Korin Miller
Opening up to someone new—without any guarantee it’ll work out—wasn’t easy for Claire. Feinglos feels the same. “Learning to trust again took practice,” she says. “But once I got comfortable in my own company, dating stopped being about filling a void or fixing loneliness. It became about curiosity—about seeing who people really are, about exploring connections.” That shift, she adds, is what eventually led her to her current partner.
‘Sometimes, it’s for fun, not the One.’
Dating after divorce isn’t the dramatic, high-stakes “race to find forever” it’s often made out to be. For many of the women SELF spoke to, it’s messy, awkward, and surprisingly fun. You can almost compare it to romantic life in college, when dating was about experimenting, exploring, and figuring out who you are in the process.
“At first, I was like, ‘Okay if I date, it’s going to be for my future husband,’” Claire says. Her first year of post-divorce dating consisted of a handful of first dates—seven in total, all “fun, great,” none particularly lasting. “I realized I was taking this way too seriously, and I wanted to do this for fun, not the One,’” she says, adding that meeting so many different types of people helped clarify her preferences: “Now that I’m going into my second year of dating, I’m cracking down.”
As cliché as it sounds, letting go of the pressure to prove yourself and “find love again” can make room for something unexpected, maybe even better. At least that was the case for Brown, who met her current partner not through frantic swiping or settling, but when she had finally stopped chasing the narrative she thought she was supposed to follow.
Post-divorce dating, she realized, didn’t have to be disastrous or pitiful. After a string of dates that spanned a range of experiences—from painfully awkward to refreshingly hopeful—she discovered for herself a richer and more nuanced truth rarely captured by pop culture: The end of a marriage is never the end of you.
“It’s about time we celebrate women who are rebuilding, healing, and choosing joy again,” Brown says. “Because that’s the real definition of strength.”